*sigh* another day? Give me a break. (TRIGGER)

I'm abso-friggin-lutely shattered.

Please please PLEASE, don't read any further if you're in a bad mindset right now. It's kinda a triggering post and I don't want to be responsible for anything. Call an ambulance if you have to. Deal? Good.

When Everything's On The Brink Of Collapse..

I am this close. This close. To calling EPS and getting them to take me away somewhere. I don't give a f*ck where, but I'm tired and light-headed and stressed and I've just fought with my Mum, and actually threatened that I'd kill myself without the internet. And I was serious. She's being a complete and utter bitch about it; restricting our usage when we use up the bandwidth and get put on dial-up speed. Helloo, using it more will NOT slow it down! Then she gets all jealous when I can load pages faster; I go on this website so often that the background images and things like that are stored in the cache and besides, it's a smaller website. 10GB a month works well for a younger family, so Mum upgraded to 20GB a month two weeks ago and now we're out. Didn't we say we need 40GB? Didn't we? Oh but no, she doesn't want us online because we use it all up. I may spend a lot of time online, this is true, but this month's been a bit different because I've had YouTube videos to upload and a programme to download. I haven't even DONE half the shit I have to this month! I have music for singing lessons to download and a choir video to upload. SHE spends an hour or two a night on Skype talking to Dad, who I still don't trust after he cheated on her. Arghhh.

I can't help but think this is a stupid reason to be suicidal, but she has kinda spent the last weekend reminding me how worthless I am. Things like “you'll just end up being a rubbish truck driver, I don't know why you bother” and “you should drop out of school” and “you're just failing anyway” are getting more frequent. I mean, thanks Mum. I knew I was good for nothing but right now you are reeeally not helping.

I seriously need to hurry up and hand in those forms for counselling.
Scary.

The thing is, everything Mum says is true. But what could anyone expect? I hate school, I've probably made that clear several times.

And I am fat and lazy, or at least that's how I see myself (with a little help from her).

And yes, I do happen to live on the internet. But you know, only because it's the one thing keeping me afloat and the one place I can safely vent.

You know. Normally writing these helps, but today it hasn't. Not by a long shot. I'm not angry anymore, but I can still see the silver razor blade over there.

I'll post tomorrow if I've made it through the night.
♥

Olivia.

One Week in Olivia's Life: Tuesday

If Mondays are hard. Tuesdays are harder.
Again, with the 6am wakeup. I stress a bit about school or life or homework, go through the usual breakfast-evasion techniques (or if I'm brave, I'll get something small so I don't faint) and make sure I have a drinkbottle. Normal water if I have a quiet day, sugarwater if I know I'll be busy/need my brain in the afternoon. I get to school, go to the library, then to first period.
Physics.
I don't like Physics, and I don't understand it. Not one little bit. The teacher makes remarks about how I'm not very good at Maths and how I don't have the background for the subject, and I stress out. Like, a lot. After Physics is English, which is okay. I usually zone out or write a story. It's not like I don't understand the work, and all I struggle with is that awful mental block I have on writing essays.
Interval, I go to the library. It's my one interval off with nothing I'm meant to do. That's always a bit cool. I leave early though, because I'm so often struggling with actually being social. :/
Period three is Spanish. A short period, thank goodness. Except, it's only shortened because of assembly. *sadface*
Assemblies are HORRIBLE. I'm not even exaggerating. A cramped hall full of people? Hellooo, claustrophobia. I'm almost considering skipping assemblies altogether; they suck.
Lunch = choir and no food. Southern Hesperides, so it's pretty fun (not as fun as Barock, not as stressful as Tutti). Then Maths (eugh) and Media Studies (hmm). Then hometime! And I get left home alone on Tuesday nights, so it's not really such a horrible day.. ish. Some nights I sit on Skype and bother people because I'm terrified that if I don't I'll do something stupid.

Okay, I need sleep.
(: Skittles, peace and pukekos,
- Olivia

One Week in Olivia's Life: Monday

Mondays have always been hard. Well, hard might be an understatement. I wake up in the morning (sudden urge to write "feeling like P Diddy" there, but I am not Ke$ha (thank-freaking-god)) at 6am, and usually I'm exhausted because I've spent the last night feeling shitty and dreading school. I get all ready for school, accompanied with some habitual slicing of my own thigh, and skip breakfast. I try to be quick, but I'm always quite slow (thankyoouu internet: wasting Olivia's time in the mornings since 2010) and my Mum and brother end up hatin' on me for it. My brother blames Mum, then I get lectured the whole way about being considerate etcetera etcetera. I do my best, honestly. I just don't want to go to school. Is that so hard to realize?

Enter Olivia here, walking into school complete with bag over her shoulder. I try and look down when I walk, because I don't like seeing people look at me. I go straight to the library and annoy my friends until the first class of the day; the oh-so-dreaded Spanish. Yeah, I hate Spanish. It isn't the teacher or the class, more my horrible memory and inability to remember to do ANYTHING. Next class is English; it's okay, but I can't stand a lot of people in the class. At least it's balanced out with some friends. After that is interval, which I either spend in the library or at choir in the hall. Choir, I love. Singing is my drug. :3 Whenever I don't have choir, I don't really know what to do with myself.

Period three is Geography. Oh, joy. Perhaps the most relevant class of my day to becoming a pilot, I.. I try and pay attention. Of course I fail miserably, we all know how easily distracted I am. Ooh, shiny...
But seriously, I do like Geography. It's a small class and I get along with them all, and it isn't too hard. I do miss Friday Fundays though.. they were awesome, last term. After period three, I either go to formtime or choir. Formtimes are tedious, although we do have a new teacher now and I haven't made it to one of her classes yet. One of the things that made them tedious was that we had it in the gym, which is ages away.. I don't know if we've moved yet, but I sure hope so. After formtime, unless I have choir, I might either hang out with my friends or go to an environment meeting. Either one is fun. If I have choir, I will have skipped formtime to climb up the hill to OBHS. I like walking up the hill. We get to talk to each other and chill, and then when we get there we get to hang out and sing with the boys. This choir's Barock, so it's more relaxing because there are less people. I hate big groups of people. I skip lunch, because it's hard to eat&walk/eat&sing. And because I can't stand eating in front of people, it suits me just fine.

When choir is done, we walk back to school and go to class. I have Media Studies. Media is one of my favourite subjects, because I have friends in the class. I don't get to spend much time with them except for in Media, so yeah. After that, I have Maths. And I hate Maths. 'Nuff said. Then I get to go home, and I basically just post on bephotohappy and use the internet and stuff, and if I'm feeling really active (even though I'm quite lazy) I'll go to Taekwon Do.

Mondays are hard because I'm always so damn tired. It takes me so much not to fall asleep in class, and then I'm usually a bit hungry (sadly) by the end of the day, so yeah. Today was certainly no exception, except I did end up getting brave enough to eat my lunch and then I got really hungry in Media. oO It was strange. I've been on a little bit of a low today, not manic but not super depressed either. I felt kind of.. normal. Except I was empty, so does that count as depressed? Emotionless? idk.

Also; butterfly is back on my wrist. Last week was a long week full of performances, and I wasn't able to do it. But I did okay, only two superficial cuts. Better than before I started the project!

Anywho, I'd better go try and sleep. (actually I need to read over an essay exemplar for Media.)
smiles, peace, grapes and sunshine,
- Olivia

A Good Start - I'm finally speaking out.

Hey there. If you're reading this, I guess I trust you enough to tell you my story. Sit up straight, lift your shoulders and don't relax for anything. Don't crack a smile, and take minute long intervals to stare into space and remember how wrong the world really is. Limit your breathing. There. Now you feel like I do while I write this. Now imagine your world being simple black and white- that is, either you do something or you don't. Everything's pretty defined. When you start to see colour, even though your head isn't capable of really seeing it, that's when things turn grey. Grey is confusing and repetivive, and there are so many different shades that it's impossile to distinguish what each means. That's me on a bad day- most days. It makes me feel sick, anxious and less worthy. Now, tying the two sides of the spectrum together (the second I will explain later) is a ton of bad self-esteem. I see myself as the lowest behind all the pretty, popular girls. I'm not even smart- the smart, pretty girls get everything and everyone else follows them. If you're a nerd or just simply pretty, you tend to do better than the losers who have nothing. The pain of being zero everything (except for clothing size, sadly) makes the hell of a bad day somewhat torturous. Then you find yourself closer to the other end of the spectrum, and your self-esteem is heightened. When like this I feel brighter, smarter, I don't have the need to starve myself and I actually eat at school. I have a future, when I'm like this. Only, there's a hitch. Now I want you to imagine your world full of colour, bright, vibrant colour that moves so fast that no-one can understand it. You're tied up in a hurricane of things with so much more meaning, a future for everything! But it moves so fast that while you keep hoping you can get off the hurricane into a happy future, you just keep on going, and you keep on trying. You skip nights of sleep trying to get to that other side of sheer positivity. You make reckless decisions in the hope that they get you there, in some twisted way. You feel like you're talking really fast and your friends tell you your not, or they think you are and you disagree. It's a hurricane ride to the end, where the spectrum loops and you crash. Yet again, you're at zero everything (except for clothing size) and you feel worthless, regretting everything that happened whilst manic and completely exhausted from a lack of sleep. I think you all might have guessed where I'm getting at. While not being mentally assessed enough to be deemed Bipolar, I certainly have all the symptoms. And the self-esteem issues have caused an eating disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder- which by the way is actually very common. I diagnosed this all myself, with a fear of talking to people in person. Have you ever noticed me shy away and talk more through my phone? Face to face contact is terrifying because you can see what they think about you. A self-diagnosis can actually be helpful, in my opinion, because you can focus on fixing areas in your life to help manage your two sides. There must be hundreds of websites with coping strategies there for your use. Professional help can be pretty useful, like if you're suicidal or something, but at the end it's all up to you. I might not be there yet, but one day I will refer myself to Mirror. I've already considered it, when things have been bad. When I was at my worst I considered phoning EPS (Emergency Psychiatric Services) and getting them to take me away from everything I could do to harm myself- but then I look at everyone else and think how trivial my own problems are. If I cut, it's not because of some traumatic event in my life, it's about destressing and relaxing, and coping with panic attacks. Yeah, it's not the best way to cope. I do know that, and I've taken to drawing something to represent my two amazing best friends on my wrist. It does actually help, though it looks a bit funny because I'm not exactly an artist! Right now the flower I have on my wrist is keeping me away from there, because I don't want to hurt my friends. Yes, I am on a bit of a massive low right now. But writing this is helping.
I don't know why I wrote this. It was a good alternative to cutting, I think, even though I had slipped already when I started. I don't even know if I'm going to risk posting this letter. But I felt like someone, anyone, needed to know about my struggles. GAD and panic attacks are only the start of the long race I call life, but they're the easiest to explain. I promise I'm not going to run off and do anything stupid, this isn't a suicide note. But if you've stuck through and read this and if you aren't about to run off letter in hand to a counsellor for "my own good", then I suppose I've trusted you with good reason. Honestly, not even my parents know all of this. Only my two amazing best friends who sadly don't even live nearby, and there are confusing bits for them too.
Okay, I'm off to class. But thanks for reading, it means a lot.

:) smiley faces and rainbows and sparkly unicorns,
- Olivia