When Everything's On The Brink Of Collapse..

I am this close. This close. To calling EPS and getting them to take me away somewhere. I don't give a f*ck where, but I'm tired and light-headed and stressed and I've just fought with my Mum, and actually threatened that I'd kill myself without the internet. And I was serious. She's being a complete and utter bitch about it; restricting our usage when we use up the bandwidth and get put on dial-up speed. Helloo, using it more will NOT slow it down! Then she gets all jealous when I can load pages faster; I go on this website so often that the background images and things like that are stored in the cache and besides, it's a smaller website. 10GB a month works well for a younger family, so Mum upgraded to 20GB a month two weeks ago and now we're out. Didn't we say we need 40GB? Didn't we? Oh but no, she doesn't want us online because we use it all up. I may spend a lot of time online, this is true, but this month's been a bit different because I've had YouTube videos to upload and a programme to download. I haven't even DONE half the shit I have to this month! I have music for singing lessons to download and a choir video to upload. SHE spends an hour or two a night on Skype talking to Dad, who I still don't trust after he cheated on her. Arghhh.

I can't help but think this is a stupid reason to be suicidal, but she has kinda spent the last weekend reminding me how worthless I am. Things like “you'll just end up being a rubbish truck driver, I don't know why you bother” and “you should drop out of school” and “you're just failing anyway” are getting more frequent. I mean, thanks Mum. I knew I was good for nothing but right now you are reeeally not helping.

I seriously need to hurry up and hand in those forms for counselling.
Scary.

The thing is, everything Mum says is true. But what could anyone expect? I hate school, I've probably made that clear several times.

And I am fat and lazy, or at least that's how I see myself (with a little help from her).

And yes, I do happen to live on the internet. But you know, only because it's the one thing keeping me afloat and the one place I can safely vent.

You know. Normally writing these helps, but today it hasn't. Not by a long shot. I'm not angry anymore, but I can still see the silver razor blade over there.

I'll post tomorrow if I've made it through the night.
♥

Olivia.