How did I manage this one?

My first day of a study plan, all set to do wonderfully.. and I get 4 hours sleep then have a meltdown of sorts (a quiet one, I guess, because I managed to hold it together before I got outside and went straight to the school counsellor) and spend three hours trying not to go insane. One of the choir co-ordinators even phoned me to see what was wrong- that's how frantic I was. I don't think it was a panic attack, probably more a freak out from stress. Idk.

I had to ask to leave geography before the phonecall. The teacher took me outside and made me tell her where I was going and promise that I wasn't a safety risk.. I cleverly left out that if I'd told Crowe everything, I would have been in EPS. Yes, I was thinking about suicide. Nope, it wasn't another fleeting thought. It was a full on "I should lock myself in the bathroom and slit my wrists".  And I haven't properly thought that stuff in weeks. But anyway, I wound up outside the classroom and told J what was up and she told me to make sure I wasn't alone so I went back to class, then got scared that everyone might have heard what I was saying while I was on the phone. Like, petrified. So I can imagine I had this huge as scowl when I went back in, and the teacher looked at me like "what the fuck are you doing back so soon" because she'd given me 20 minutes longer than I took.. yeah. It was a rough day. That is all.