It's All About To Hit The Fan

Kia Ora mis amigos.

In three sleeps I'll be wrapping up warm and heading to the airport to go to Wellington, under the rather watchful  eyes of the year thirteens.
I've been told, gradually over the past few days, the rules, which are as follows:
- Nothing sharp. No, they didn't actually say this one, but I'm supposed to throw out all my blades before we leave. I don't think I can though. Not just yet. I'll probably put them in my locker at school, so that Mum won't find them, and leave the one in my diary where it is even though I'm taking that. I have to wear short sleeves on stage a few times, so it's not like I'd be able to get away with anything much.

- I have to have breakfast every day. The consequences of not doing so would be that I'm not allowed to perform. Because I have family who'll be watching my performances, I can't afford to not be on that stage. Woot.

- I have to have a freaking toilet buddy. Not even kidding. Just because I struggled not to throw up my dinner last night.. I've never made myself sick, ever. I've tried, quite extensively, but still. I couldn't do it up there anyway; because someone would hear and that would be awkward.

If I find out about any other rules, I'll let you know.
So, I've struggled a lot this week. Especially yesterday when I had school again after the snow.

I didn't eat breakfast or lunch. All the teachers literally gave me stacks of work, with more coming by email. Every single person I know is somehow rather emotional and stressy and upset right now; three friends are struggling through eating disorders and a further six are having trouble with their depression etc. How I have so many troubled friends, I would love to know. In study I tried doing the only thing that I could think of to calm down- writing. I put everything I was thinking on paper, without thinking if that makes sense, then looked back at it and it was virtually a suicide note. It was a fictitious character with all my problems saying who she'd miss and what sort of funeral she wanted and then eventually she actually kills herself, and I don't remember writing most of it which is absolutely terrifying. I got to choir, but hardly made it onto the stage before walking out, going somewhere else and cutting without really thinking about it. And I hated myself for doing it- I still do! I got back and really just couldn't face the music, so I went to sit in emo-corner with one of the year thirteens and a year ten that we're all really worried about while the rest of the choir practiced. It was a bit nice, tbh, she wasn't too angry that I slipped and knew straight away that it was the compulsion as opposed to a deliberate "oh look, I might mess up my wrist before next week's big concert" style thing. And we sung a bit from emo-corner and sat there the rest of the practice, and she took my blade off me and talked a bit.. and then my friend came over to join us, nearly in tears. Helloooo, stress. I tried to cheer her up as best I could, before she went back to sing, and then the bell rang and I was one of the last to leave. Then after school Mum yelled at me for forgetting my bus card.

And by the way, emo-corner is just what we call a corner of the hall that has a heater and we sit there if we're sad (so basically it's often me and my year ten friend sitting there, with a year thirteen there too sometimes. Much like yesterday.)

This afternoon when I got back from a physics course, I met my friend with my other friend and gave her back the book she lent me, which turned into an hour long discussion in which one of the choir year thirteens came to talk to us and told me that I need to eat more and about the Wellington rules and she also asked what I'd eaten so far, which was a mandarin which I was quite proud of. Proud because it was something, might I add. My other friend looked worried. I don't like worrying people! :/

So yeah. I'm a bit stressed, quite a lot down. Rather tired and need sleep because tomorrow night and the one after I have concerts (and then I have to be at school at 6.30am on Sunday to get the bus back past my house to the airport.. fml) and yeah.

Sheet music, cows and clouds,
- Olivia