Claire

I've been working on a story/novel for the last few months, called Claire. It's basically about a girl who is abused by her father, and cuts and that sort of thing. In the second chapter she starts sleeping around and doing drugs. I have to admit, some of it's based on my own experiences, but the rest are those of my friends.
I have a few ways of coping when I want to cut. I might write what I want to do to myself into my story, or find someone to talk to and stick with them, or spam twitter. My most recent way is to draw on my wrist in Sharpie.

I got sent to the Dean's office today, at school, and I was all nervous and that, and I kept thinking about cutting while she told me (basically) that I'm failing school and that the teachers think I should sit through panic attacks. So while she talked, I drew a heart on my wrist.

I.. I kinda only wish she'd ask why I did it.

One problem I have, is that the teachers actually think I CAN sit through a panic attack. Hello, I can't BREATHE. I would much rather feel safe and regain the ability to breathe than keep working. My anxiety isn't even so bad anymore- I had one panic attack on Wednesday and that was my first one since a few months ago. But when the Dean started talking about how she doesn't think I can make it as a pilot if I keep getting so nervous... yeah. Thanks for the confidence.

Yesterday I gave my forms for counselling to my friend to take to the place I'm intending to go to. Which means that I might get a phone call in the holidays. I did actually put a link to this blog on it, so if you're reading this and you're them.. I'm going to be in Australia at my Dad's house for the next two weeks. I won't be able to talk, somehow.

Umm. I told someone yesterday who had been worried about how I'd made it to sixteen days blade-free, and she was so proud. It actually saved me from slipping. And then today, I told the teacher that knows I cut and she seemed proud too. I'm actually getting quite proud of myself for it.. and I haven't been proud in myself in ages. Today is seventeen days, and even though the last three of them have been hard, I'm determined to make it a lot further.

And Potter ended and it was sad.

And I wrote a story for creative writing at school and the last sentence was "And everything is My Chemical Romance and nothing hurts." And it was awesome.

I know no one reads this, but meh.
So long and goodnight!
:) bunnies, bracelets and hearts,
Olivia

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STATE OF MIND: down.