I'm Sorry, But I Have To Say It

The following is a rant about my school Dean, and probably some other people in my school too. I'm sorry if you're reading this and I'm complaining about you, because I really hate saying all this stuff. But it's true.
Firstly: Panic attacks.
I have not "grown out" of them. Sure, I'm panicking less, but that doesn't mean I'm any less nervous. You're influencing my teachers to believe that I'm faking, or being melodramatic, when I actually for real cannot breathe. I'm too self-conscious to want to stay in the room. I feel like everyone's watching me and I stand out, and that just makes it worse. And if I walk out of the classroom, maybe it's a good idea to let me actually go to my safe place, which is the library. Standing in the corridor is hard because there are windows into it from all the classrooms and even more people can see me. And then they think I've gotten into trouble or something like that.  Please, can you just let me cope without things getting even more self-destructive? You don't even know what it's like, and perhaps this and this might help you get the point. I don't have panic attacks out of laziness- yeah. I know you think that.


Secondly: The amount of schoolwork I don't manage to get done.
It's too much. I know. I should be focusing on school like if I don't get good grades I'll be killed or something but I CAN'T. I don't care if I fail, because I can't see a future for myself. Ever since I was little, it's been joked that I'll be a rubbish truck driver and I actually believe it! Then Dad goes on about how clever he is and how "I just need to apply myself" and all that shit which I don't have the real motivation to do and I fake a smile and excuse myself from the conversation so I can sit on the internet and read fanfiction or novels that people write. And then I'm moaned at for this.. but I've gone completely offtopic now so meh. It's almost 11pm but I'm getting rambly.. ugh.

But seriously. I go to school to fit in, and because I have to. So let me alone because I'm not smart enough for you to worry about.

Thirdly: My lack of confidence.
I can't just "get over it". So (I don't know if I want to write this) fuck you. You sound exactly like my ex-boyfriend and he was a jerk so just quit it okay?

Fourthly: To every single teacher who thinks I can just go to the school counsellor.
NO. I can't! She is absolutely AWFUL. The following are real situations that myself or my friends have been in:
1) She asked one friend if she was sleeping with her boyfriend once, when the friend actually had something completely different that she wanted to talk about, and refused to talk about anything other than sex for the whole time. By the end she'd told my friend to sleep with her boyfriend behind her parents' backs, because "most teenagers do." My friend would always talk to her parents about that sort of thing, if she was going to, and never got to talk about the problem at hand.
2) She went to my parents behind my back.
3) She smirks at me in the corridors and people always hear/see it.
4) She told me that it was all my fault I was suicidal and tried to make me guilty about it.
5) She roped my friend into appointments when my friend didn't want them- eventually my friend only escaped with me being there to help.
6) She has that smirk on her face all the time when she sends someone to EPS, it's like it's her life goal or something to get as many teenagers there as possible.


Okay. I'm done ranting.
Also, if you tried to call me the other day (I think it was Tuesday), Telecom is blocking my incoming calls because I'm roaming and have no credit. Next week on Tuesday would work. I think I know who you are so yeah.
Going to Wet'n'Wild again tomorrow. Yaay I get to be self-conscious all day again I think I might cry.
- Olivia